I have this almost continuous sensation now, like everything is this huge knot, constantly constricting, and constricting and trying to close down ever tighter on absolutely nothing.
It even spills over into my dreams, in slightly absurd forms. Like trying to fill in a blank on a test form, and finding that nothing feels quite right, and that empty space is just so disturbing, and nothing can quite fill it. Or playing starcraft in my dreams and wanting to create that perfect formation, and yet that same sense of dis-ease, of absence that cannot be resolved.
and every so often, I snap out of it, and it’s just the play of sensations again. I am none of this, none of this… nobody home.
I try not too think too much about some of the neurological implications of all this on the enterprise of enlightenment. I mean, here we are trying to attain to the absolute, or ultimate reality, and we’re just encountering exactly what you’d expect, if you really thought about what a sentient mind that could only experience itself in terms of sensory impulses in the nervous system would be like. It’s as if you could create a perfect, real-time recreation of a human being in some kind of computer system, and that software hologram was perfect right down to all the subjective phenomena. but it’s not real. it’s a simulacra. and that’s what we are. we are simulacra of ourselves, created within ourselves, and taking it as the real. how very baudrillard. anything we know, or think we know, about ‘reality’ is just more stuff floating around in the nervous system, and it always will be. including all this ‘god’ stuff. and short of death, there’s no way of truly knowing one way or another.
don’t worry, it’s not a crisis of spiritual conviction or anything. sensations are just as much spirit as anything else. even if it’s all just noise on the wiring of our bodies, then so be it. another mountain to climb. people who are in it for ‘the goal’ are just tourists. nothing ever really ends.
it’s a very fractal thing: the more you do, the more you see, and the more you see, the more there is to do. I guess that’s why every true master I’ve ever met considered themselves a begginer. you will always have all your work still ahead of you, even if no one else can see it. you kind of have to make your peace with that at some point, no matter what your personal everest happens to be. if it’s really worth doing, it’s worth doing forever. comfort, conclusion, ‘success’, ownership, status, identity…? throw them on the fire. they mean nothing. and throw yourself on the fire while you’re at it. burning forever is the only way to go.