I want to get things moving again here, so let’s pare it down to the basics:

I’ve done tons of commentary, tons of investigation of obscure topics, tons of speculation and meandering observations. Maybe it’s time I settle down to what I know I’m best at, and what I know my best contribution is.

So for the time being, this is a personal practice blog, and a related q&a. Nothing else . Fun is fun and ideas are ideas, but after awhile it’s just ashes in my mouth if I know I’m not towing my personal line. The best thing I can do for myself or anyone else is to achieve a perfect and complete realization and equip other people to do likewise, the best I’m able.

I can’t fool myself anymore that I’m ever going to be ‘normal’ or I’m ever going to be able to have ‘a life’ in the commonly used sense.  I’m not sure I ever really wanted that in the first place. I’m not lying to myself anymore. and I’m certainly done lying to anyone else.

The world has no use for another dark night basket case, or another near miss at true understanding wrapped in half baked platitudes.  I know what I’m capable of, and it’s more than that.

I really cannot believe it’s been almost seven years since I glimpsed into the heart of ultimate reality and knew exactly what the end of the path was.  Since then I’ve wavered around like some kind of drunk, whining and flailing about in some kind of convulsive attempt to avoid the work involved in living up to it.

I’m tired of looking people in the face and trying to explain to them  that there’s an inferno raging behind my eyes, in some way that’s not going to make them uncomfortable. I’m tired of acting like any of this scripted sitcom existence is actually real.  I’m tired of trying to ‘relate’ to these ‘people’. They aren’t people. They’re pieces of machinery. They’re butterflies flapping around inside a furnace, trying not to burn. They are lies that walk and talk. I know what they will say before they do, and I have no further business with them.

and yes, yes, I can already see the well meaning souls lining up to tell me it’s not that bad and no need to be so hard on everyone, or myself, but really, Bullshit.  Bullshit.

I really don’t think what we need right now is another hug session and hold each others hands and say yeah it’s perfectly alright that we’re stunted parodies of humanity and we dance and hug, and smoke more joints and play video games until we get composted back into the biota. It’s not alright. It never was alright. It will never be alright. That’s not why we were given our lives. Does anyone seriously think that’s why we were given our lives? So we can shuck our responsibilities, and ignore our own light, and avoid the pain, so we can pass the buck to someone else?

Nor does it mean you can vent some tepid self loathing, mouth some convenient self recrimination and go back to doing the square root of fuck all and screaming at other people for not doing what you don’t do either.

There is work to do.

If you don’t get that, then we have nothing to talk about.

otherwise, I’ll meet you back here tomorrow.


5 thoughts on “Enough of This

  1. Great!

    If anything, you have a reason to be proud of your achievement in building this blog and empowering so many people (whether they happen to admit it or not). It was about the time I came across this blog that I found the strength to start a serious practice and it has been going (and growing) ever since. I am most thankful, even if your ‘hardcore attitude’ is as much of a difficult pill to swallow, as the ‘saccharine edge’ may be for you.

  2. “I’m tired of looking people in the face and trying to explain to them that there’s an inferno raging behind my eyes, in some way that’s not going to make them uncomfortable.”

    I really wish I could explain in terms that weren’t frightening that every morning I wake up and feel like ants are crawling over me and that every single sensation is making me too angry to deal with it but then when I get to the “perfectly normal part of the process of experience. But, oh, I forgot to mention, it’s totally optional if you avoid drug use or sitting still and spending too much time alone.”

    And additionally, the older I get, the more I learn that people’s “reality tunnels” for lack of a better term are so firmly rooted and cemented that it’d be almost impossible to escape the scripted, stage-managed sitcom.

    Maybe it’s partly because I finally shucked off the last of my Lucifereanism, but in other words, I just can’t fit personal practice into a narrative bigger than “starting the circuit on the kundalini means you have to close the circuit on it.” I mean after 10,000 years of agricultural servitude, maybe what the mass of humanity needs *is* more video games. Most of the West and Central Asia is living longer and healthier than it ever did, if you zoom out far enough. Not that I don’t think neo-feudalism could be around the corner, but it just seems unlikely… the vested controlling interests have an interest in saving capitalism, which means that everyone gets to keep their rights and their xbox, at least until the actual despotism inevitable sets in.

    Maybe that’s all on purpose. My cranky old traditionalism is telling me that the only real aspiration a human can have is to be human–we can’t, by our karma, become “angelic” or “archangelic”–we can participate in those currents and even borrow strength from them but our partcipation is limited by virtue of humanity.

  3. In spite of your negative tone, zac, you said what I’ve been hoping, for a while now, to hear from you. I found it very inspiring.

    The moment you start worrying about what other people are doing with their lives is the moment that you stop worrying about what you are doing with your own. “Time to walk the walk,” as you once said.

  4. luciferianism aside, it’s hard to dispute that life is ever trying to overcome itself. this planet used to be a ball of radioactive molten rock bathed in formaldehyde and cyanide. we’ve clearly got some aspiration at work here. I’ve no problem being human, I just don’t think any of the definitions in use really cut it. I’m not sure any definition would. but that’s the point.

  5. Yay! Zac’s back! And this time he’s carrying a big fuck-off dharma stick and has got some kind of yogic maya-incinerating death-rays coming out of his eyes…

    Just what I needed to encourage me to redouble my efforts.

    Pavel – look, it’s true! We both exist in cyberspace too. Too weird, man. Forget what I said – stop meditating and come round for lunch on Sunday.

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