My self immolation continues. Although, at least, I burn in a good way. Sift my ashes, if you will.
My apparent fruition seems to be holding up. I’m not having visions of Moses and Elijah in the garden or anything, but there seems to a be a real difference that’s holding. I will save the detailed discussion for the last bit of the Augoeides series ( more on that below ) but suffice to say, anytime I start feeling kind of squeezed by my delusions, a small application of mindfullness is sufficient to jolt my body-mind back into a stable state of instability. I realise that probably makes little to no sense, but paradox is the currency of the realm, alas.
Recently I’ve been rereading one of my favorite books: the farther reaches of human nature by abram h. maslow, who is probably somewhat familiar for his hierarchy of needs model, which only really scratches the surface of the things he was working out near his death, which is what appears in this book.
In it he says a lot of things which have become cliches. Things about authenticity, growth versus fear, taking responsibility, flow and whatnot. These words get abused by corporate whores and bad hacks to create more reasons to do things you hate and probably should hate. But to read the words of the man himself, and his feeling for them is a much different affair. When someone means what they say, you Know It, and I hope that something similar is present in my work, sometimes, which I do occasionally worry about.
It’s easy to get caught up in telling people what they want to hear, or in a similar vein, telling it to them in a way they want to hear it. Both of which are a far cry from saying what you think and why you think it.
Sometimes I think I’m very far away from what I set out to be, so long ago. Part of what I’m doing now is trying to redress that. The only reason I got into magick, for example, was because it was what I thought science always should have been. Most people seem to treat it as a free lunch, or in some perverse, paradoxical way, a lot of work for a free lunch. Kind of like those people who will work desperately hard to stay on welfare or a disability pension. I could do with a few less perverse paradoxes myself.
Meditation is a kind of a weird paradox itself lately. Every time I sit, I get into deep and stable states of equanimity, but in a some strange way, the fact of it becoming so easy makes it less compelling to want to do it. I’ve found this about myself in a few areas. If it doesn’t involve turmoil, struggle and bitter resignation, I don’t always care enough to do it. Like my identity has become tied into the bitter struggle for everything ™.
I’m tired of that. Just let me do what I like, and let me like doing it.
The grand experiment of joblessness is coming to an end. Either business steps up soon, or I’m off to update my resume. I’ve done most everything under my control to make it work, so it’s in the hands of god, now.
My computer situation is a comedy of errors. First my hard drive at home shit it’s guts out, which was okay since I could work at the office and at Alaina’s place. Then her house mates decided I was too ominous and threatening to come and go during the day when she wasn’t there, so I had to give her the extra key back, so I’m left with the office. I can’t record here, or edit audio here, so that’s back burnered for now. I’ll squeeze the outstanding items in somewhere, but a regular stream of audio missives in on the slow track now, along with the microphone related projects I had in the works.
I’m looking for a window for my water fast. People get alarmed when you tell them that you’ve stopped eating. Like some iraqui prisoner on hunger strike. It’s easier when you don’t have to sit around telling people ‘no, I’m not hungry’ over and over again.
so, the Goals List
-finish the building a better brand series this week
-record the last augoeides in the next two weeks
-get to the gym at least three times a week
-buy some real food
-schedule the water fast
-meditate for a hour everyday even if I don’t feel like I need to.
-call R. to fix my hard drive
-own up to what I really like and don’t like and what I really want, not what I think I have to do