Sometimes things have to get worse before they can get better, in which case things have gotten better, and will continue to do so.
My vipassana practice has taken on a tenor of more or less continuous pain. The fundamental delusion of being a separate and permanent self has revealed itself as untenable, but there is not yet enough fundamental insight to unwind the knot, and it’s agonising, nauseous side effects. Just as with my bout of insanity some months ago, the only thing that helps is trying not to feed crazy or delusional thought patterns.
In this case however, crazy or delusional, means anything that happens to probe or refference the sense of being an “I”, so oddly enough my only refuge is either in the deepest samatha jhannas I can manage( usually the 4th, but occasionally the 5th or 6th) , which I have been doing consistently for hours a day all week, or ‘selfless’ behavior, such as healing, doing chores for people, or getting involved in ‘spiritual’ activites. Anything where I can avoid thinking about the agonised deteriorating illusion of a self. Kind of like having a tooth pulled over the course of several days.
As I fine tune the level of clarity and precision I need to resolve this unpleasant debacle, I have nonetheless accumulated some interesting but incomplete insights which do seem to help. It’s one of those things where you have to sit with the pain and watch it impartially until you have one of those ‘hitting yourself in the head with a hammer’ moments, and realise it would feel really good to stop. Right now I can see my head, and I can see the hammer, and I can see myself swinging it, but none of them clearly enough to completely identify their relationship to each other.
In the buddhist model all this leads me to believe I am ocilating somewhere in between the insight stages of re-observation and equinimity, which indicates a more sustained push yet of insight practice is needed, along with some fundamental acceptance of my life ‘as it is’. Surely if this keeps up I will be willing to accept just about anything to make it stop, and I suppose that’s the point.
As grim as all this sounds, paradoxically, it’s not so much a problem anymore. I hit bottom earlier in the week, and since then it’s a simple resignation to persist in practice and endure the discomfort for as long as it takes. There is no chance whatsoever I will park in this state or regress. So even if it’s it’s slow, progress and fruition is assured.
On the more mundane side, it appears our business is going to fly a while longer, and it’s not all on my shoulders either. Hoo-ray. Another cash infusion from heaven keeps me solvent long enough to see if the massage business is going to pan out for me right now.
And my alkiline diet is coming along nicely, my fridge is fairly swimming in green stuff. In fact, it’s even green plant stuff. My colon thanks you for your moral support.
My flexibility training is very gratfiying as well, mostly because stretching is a lot easier in the 2nd jhanna, which is one of those secrets sadhus tend not to share cause they’re busy smoking hash all the time. Imagine that.
Updated goals for the week:
-at least three hours of seated insight or concentration practice every fucking day, before I die of horror.
-stretch my neck and inguinal area in jhanna states.
-perfect my weightlifting form
-get a new mic
-fast one day just water
-clean up my room, already. it’s spring for fucksakes.
-create something for the site every day, even if it’s crap and I throw it out right away.