And here we are, the penultimate chapter of this series. One more run around the block before I break down and tell you what it’s getting at. Twenty seems like a nice number, and hardly a planned one. I could squeeze a couple more in there but It hardly seems essential. Time is of the essence.

So down to work.

In any process of personal transformation, there is the inevitable collision with what can only be characterised as a wall. A simple, yet adamant refusal of some part of the mind to go any further. Some habit, some routine, some fondly held belief, or context that will not yeild to any degree of effort. To fling oneself against the unmovable seems sure to plunge one into madness or despair.

Maybe you can’t visualise what you actually want. You’re bound up in endlessly circular sniveling and whining about what you don’t want. You can’t sit still for more than fifteen minutes, because it feel like ants are burrowing into your subcutaneous fat and supping on your blood. You have no idea what might constitute ‘happy’, ‘relaxed’, ‘optimistic’ or ‘creative’. You see other people do these things, or what looks like these things, but you have no clue whatsoever how that might become true for you.

All these seemingly disparate problems are actually the same problem. They all represent a profound terror of losing or destabilising one’s sense of self. Where you locate that sense is perfectly variable, but everyone puts it somewhere. Your feelings, your beliefs, your material circumstances, your body, your relationships. Maybe you do a little circular bucket brigade from one to the other, when one of them starts to look shaky. In fact, that’s probably exactly what you do. But chances are there’s one or two that will not yield or shift in any lasting way. The real cornerstones of the static ego. Or the attempt at a static ego, as the case may be.

It should be abundantly clear by now that you can do just about anything. Certainly you can be as happy, as creative, as smart, as rich or famous as any other human at the very least. If you know that, then what’s the fucking problem? It’s not that your mind is averse to better or richer experiences. It just has trouble beleiving them to be possible. It has difficulty relinquishing the present circumstance to move towards the new one.

You ‘ve probably all experienced that sense at least once. That sense of free fall? When you actually made a definitive break with the past and moved into the unknown.

Now before you start patting yourself on the back as some radical innovator who can drop everything and go hike to peru, or live out of a backpack and squat in an abandoned building and dumpster dive, consider that the real stubborn changes are internal ones. It’s easy to up and leave your external circumstances, it’s easy to quit your job, compared to facing the real issues that probably drove you to do those things in the first place. It’s hard to let go of your obsessive need for approval or control or recognition. It’s hard to let go of your ongoing lusts, fears and obsessions, even when you can see they don’t serve you anymore. It’s hard to love unselfishly.

Can you even imagine letting go of anger altogether? Where is it writ large that humans beings have to get angry? or fearful? or desperate? or depressed? Certain physiological phenomena are inevitable, but transitory. That’s no excuse to dig yourself into the same emotional or existential hole that everyone else is living in. The fact that everyone seems to be doing it, ought to be reason enough to question it.

Some people learn to love their jailers, to need their jailers, to want to please the authors of their captivity.

What you need to get through your head is that YOU are your jailer. YOU are your own worst enemy. YOU are the one who is holding you back. YOU are the barrier to full potential.

If your life has been going so great up until now, what the fuck are you doing here? You can’t have it both ways. You don’t get to change irrevocably and stay the same in all the comforting ways.

The world will get along just fine if you change everything about yourself. Nobody knows, nobody cares. Most people who ‘know’ you won’t even notice, and if they do, they’ll probably just pretend it isn’t happening. The last thing a prisoner wants to do is admit that you can just leave at any time. Your social life will probably not fall into upheaval if you chuck all your internal neurotic bullshit. And even if it did, wouldn’t that be preferable anyway? What the fuck are you so eager to hang on to?

If by some sci fi contrivance someone were able to steal your body, your life, they would probably fumble around for a couple days and then adapt so smoothly no one would ever notice something had changed forever. You know it’s true. Even the people who claim to know and love you the best would not see that ‘you’ were gone. And you know why? Because ‘you’ are constantly changing all the time already, and does anyone notice? Not really. Not anymore than makes them comfortable to do, which is probably related to exactly how comfortable they are with changing constantly themselves.

So, really, the only possible authentic life or realtionship in this world is based on constant, never-ending upheaval and complete change.

The sooner you get rid of this idea that you are the same entity that was extruded from your mother’s womb at birth, the happier you will be. You are not even the same entity you were yesterday. These ideas about what you are, are ghosts and they will haunt you unto death.

Unless you kill them first.

  These voices in your head that are constantly making statements about who and what you are, do not magnify extend or optimise your capabilities in any way. In a sense these insert themselves as intermediaries between your total mental resources and the world outside of you. They insert themselves for the sole purpose of maintaining the delusion of static identity. They don’t help you do anything, except perhaps to cope with the fear that you don’t really exist as some unchanging essence. And they don’t even do that very well, because that fear has probably never gone away for more than a few bare seconds in total of the course of your life, and probably never will, until you quit playing the game with these voices.

 This arraingement will take one of a several forms in the final analysis:

 first possibility; the voices break you entirely. you capitulate to your fears, expectations and beliefs about life, and do your best to carve out whatever sort of satisfactory existence your life script will permit you have. welcome to 99% of the human race.

 second possibility: you formulate some novel scenario for your life, and by hook or crook, manage to outmaneuver the voices that want to hold you in fearful stasis. You hijack any and every tool at your disposal to accomplish the emotional breakthrough on the other side of the wall, and then go back to sleep. Hopefully you don’t commit suicide when your old walls are replaced by brand new ones, and your new world sucks as bad as the old one sooner or later. This is 99% of the remaining 1%. Welcome to an anthony robbins seminar.

third possibility: you reorient your life to continuously tearing down your walls and undermining your limiting voices. you alternate between ruthless and somewhat depressing gruntwork to learn new things, and the ecstasy of breaking through old limitations.  This turns out to be much more satisfying than actually getting any hypothetical goal or emotional cookie. You eventually learn that having goals makes for useful focal points, but getting them is not especially important, leading you to set goals as close to utterly impossible as you can, and enjoying the ride. Conversely, you embrace an outcome utterly for a short period of time and then drop it when you integrate the new perspectives it offers. Hopefully you elude the slight risk of falling into a depression or dependence on something external to make the ride keep going. If you extend this practice long enough you eventually realise the utter transparency or provisional nature of all your identities and inner voices, leading you to notice the larger nigh-infinite consciousness that was always present to begin with. You may count yourself in the ranks of shamans, magi and visionary artists of all stripes since the dawn of time, but that’s just one more t-shirt for the collection by the time you get there. Life is funny that way.

 fourth possiblity:You utterly relinquish all of your ego attatchments in some profound act of devotional surrender to the vastness of creation. In which case skip to the end of possiblity three, and then some. This option remains open at any time, but it is historically not very popular, although those who pull it off tend to be. Make of that what you will.

 Homework:

  I’m not going to presume to tell you which option you should address, so I’ll prescribe a course of action for each one.

 Option one: Do nothing. Very easy, and the best part is you’ve already done it! Give yourself a pat on the back.

  Option two: Do your best to cultivate some kind of obsessive desire for a carefully specified outcome. Do anything and everything it takes to get it, within the bounds of your morality and conscience. Any of the tools I’ve offered up so far are helpful in this regard, but I tend to think of that as a bit of a waste.

Option three: If you’ve been along for the ride thus far and actually doing anything, you’re well on your way. The sooner you move your emphasis from getting the things on your list, towards understanding the progressive growth of creativity, flexibility, and insight, the sooner you will see the true purpose of the magickal path.

Option four: Dramatic but effective; Spend a whole day trying to convince yourself you are afflicted with some terminal illness and only have one year to live. Immerse yourself in that sense of despair, frustration, sadness and eventual acceptance. When you feel like you’ve made peace with it and understood how to live your remaining life in that light, get up the next day and imagine your only have a month to live. This will repeat the experience at a higher level of intensity and dig up any attachments you missed the first time.

  Then do it again the next day, but only give yourself a single day to make your peace with life. By this point it will become very very clear how useless most of your mental activity is most of the time. If need be do it one more time and live out the last hour of your life. If you perform this exercise to the utmost even once, your life will never be the same, and to do it over and over again will lead you to the goal in short order.

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20 thoughts on “Alchemy for the Braindamaged XIX: Controlled Demolition

  1. Sometimes I wonder why I would *want* to let go of all the emotions and desires that “imprison” me in my sense of self. I tell myself (or my”self”) that I’m doing it so I can be more altruistic, and when I ask why I want to be altruistic, I have to admit it’s ultimately about my fear of divine punishment for being un-altruistic and unethical.
    You said:

    “Can you even imagine letting go of anger altogehter? Where is it writ large that humans beings have to get angry? or fearfull? or desperate? or depressed? Certain physiological phenomena are inevitable, but transitory. That’s no excuse to dig yourself into the same emotional or existential hole that everyone else is living in. The fact that everyone seems to be doing it, ought to be reason enough to question it.”

    What do you mean by this? Do you think we should not express emotions at all? Or do you simply mean recognizing the selfish source of our emotions and controlling them when necessary? I do not want to live in a world without emotions.

  2. well, i distinguish between emotion and feeling. emotions tend to be thought and self based elaborations of felt expereince that pull you into your own head and out of the moment. feeling is simply the direct expereince of contact with the world and the energies therein.

    if you you take the time to clarify the difference between the feeling of being present with life, and the retreat into your own selfish and fearfull delusions which I would classify as emotions, you’ll realise fairly quickly you don’t need the latter, and not expressing them in that form doesn’t limit you in any way. quite the opposite. most of us are so tightly conditioned into such a narrow range of ’emotions’ that society finds acceptable that we overlook a tremendous range of feeling based sensations that litteraly surround us at all times.

    just another case of the ego inserting itself between you and world, and making you think it’s doing you a favour. kind of like a dealer who gets you hooked on drugs, gouges you for every cent you’re worth and then makes you think he’s your friend by giving you a free hit now and again, just so won’t go somewhere else. the ‘ego’ ties itself so closely to your feelings that you can’t distinguish one from the other most of the time.

  3. It’s pretty amazing how much I needed this article right now, almost coincidental based on the recent events of my life. I’m currently stuck in option one of doing nothing. It’s time to move on.

  4. Funny, like Robert above, I keep coming across your excellent essays just as I need someone to offer an outside perspective in my own illumination work (if you think you’re writing them for some other reason, you’re sorely mistaken 😉 ). I’ve been stuck in a cycle of intense Work/Play- lasting anywhere between 3 days to 5 weeks of effort- and intense burnout- lasting anywhere between 3 days to 4 weeks. I’ve had a bitch of a time trying to break out of this cycle.

    Just last month I realized that my “progress” is solely hampered by this cycle. I have a great strategy and system based upon a couple of years of research and experimentation. No, my issue currently lies in implementation. These burnout periods are killing me. So I sat down and reasoned and meditated on why I keep having these burnouts. This is what I came up with:

    1-“ego” clinging to old self because thats what egos do…cling
    2-getting caught up in fantasies of future goal attainment as opposed to the aktiv day-to-day achievement of my targets (as well as the daily transcendence of my immediate circumstances required to achieve those targets)
    3-a precurser drive which tells “me” that success isn’t even possible, why are you even trying?
    4-a precurser drive of fear of not being able to achieve success (better not to try than to try and fail)
    5-a precurser drive of fear of not being able to handle success if I do achieve it

    So, basically I keep getting caught in this bitch of a double-bind where, if I can even believe that success is possible, I’m (preconsciously) scared of achieving AND not achieving success AT THE SAME TIME. What kinda shit is that? Anyway, I’m currently coming up with some tactics do deal with each of these blocks (mostly using the priciples of Aiki) and I just wanted to say this essay (and others on your site) are a great help. Also, if you have any other insight into overcoming the (probably incomprehensible) double-binds above, it would be greatly appreciated. I can pay..well, not really…but I will be able to…soon…If I could just get through these damn blocks…

    Be Good

  5. the double bind is fairly common. the fear of not geting the goal comes in not wanting to confront failure, which is an abberant idea in the first place, becuase at what point have you ‘failed’? only when you quit striving. failure is , or isn’t, where you decide it is. success delayed is not the same as faliure. it’s related to the pathology that grows up around ‘trying’ to do things. either you’re doing it or you’re not doing it. trying is just a way of insulating oneself from the full anguish of not succeeding.

    on the other side, the fear of getting it is the more subtle issue of being scared of sustaining a new state. which really means you’re bringing too much of the old sense of self into the new experience. it’s like the guys who get killed in war becuase they’re trying to carry over their civilian attitudes into a lethal situation when ruthless pragmatism would have saved their lives. like i said before, you don’t get to be a new person and the old person at the same time. at the very least learn to set the old self aside when it isn’t required in the new context.

  6. What happened to “our next installment wherein we unchain the primordial monsters in the qlippothic depths of reality and make them our bitches…”? Unless you mean that getting what you want and not integrating it properly is qlippoth, which I suppose it is, but I had hoped for more space-invaders pabulum. Well-timed as always, you certainly seem to have become an intelligence agent in full rites.

    I have this game I played, called “Get what other people want.” You half-ass your way through things until you wind up doing exactly what other people dream and fantasize and long for. Afterwards you realize that their dream was a hollow shell, that it would not satisfy. Take this wisdom and put in on your dreams, contemplate suicide not so much from sadness but from pointlessness, then carry on. But because so many yearn for some things, there will always be someone to preach its value–but in the getting, what you do with the wisdom there is matters. Pardon me for incoherence, I am a little drunk, my liver aches from last night’s Amanita, and I’ve been working every day for the past month. But what I intend to say, is that even as we acquire the things we desire–and sometimes, I seek out that which others hold in high regard–we learn that no, it does not in fact mean much. We might be in better spirits, but while we’re there feeling like we’ve one-up’d every other neochimp on the planet, there’s a lingering feeling: “Yeah, sure. What’s the fucking point?”

    We suffere from a prong-attack problem in our mentation, confusing the linear with apocalyptic. While we frequently perform tasks that build one on another, in our agricultural society, we still long for a chance to trigger that One Final Act, the one that frees us from all of this. In my suspicions, this is a confusion of our hunter-gather, cyclic, nomadic past and all the architecture that left in our psyche with our Modern Progressive Industrial agricultural society, wherein we put thing on top of thing to make a New Better thing–but we think that there must be a way to complete this act and get to the next part of the cycle.

    We face, as individuals, a microcosmic issue with our goals that we pursue that resembles this larger cultural neurosis: if we just get it, the drama will end, we tell ourselves. You wrote about this around Braindamaged # 14 or 15, to an extent, about the urge to “get things out of the way” before starting in earnest, and there seems to be an inverse side, “Finish up to get to the next state of being.” But it’s wheel, not a tower.

    “As close to utterly impossible as you can.” There’s one for the record.

  7. heh. well you may have noticed that my promises do not always materialise. it’s become a bit of a private joke to make wild proclaimations and then ignore them. although you did get pics from burkenau as a consolation prize.

    on the other hand, personally i feel like the primoridal qlipoothic monsters have been bitching me out for a little while, what with the twisted spine, crackhead brother and sundry disturbances. it’s a tough hood to hang in, but it’s like jail: if you punk out once, those fuckers own your ass.

    what a lovely idea for a tv show; hp lovecraft meets OZ. hideous geomotery, micegenation, homosexual rape, shivvings every five minutes, and barabarous languages. I just need to get some ‘people’ in la-la land…

    but i digress. the myth of linear progress is a sort of intuitive grasp of how lower forms of order serve as the platform for the emergence of higher forms spontaneously out of seemingly linear extension. we like to imagine we can dictate the forms that will emerge out of that extension, but it’s almost never so. we equate upredictablity with ending, but it’s really just the same but different. ‘the most mercifull thing in the world is the inabilty of the human mind to make sense of it’s own contents’ or something like that.

    I’ve been thinking about what you said today. i was wondering what exactly the unstated end product of our society was. all i could come up with was that we all want it to come to an end, and the only way we know how to do that is to keep it going as fast as possible. we want to be free of it, but the only way to end it is to play it out. so play it out man. thats the subtext of all this shit going on. no one wants to take responsiblity for pulling the trigger, but everyone wants to party when massa dies. even massa himself. everyone thinks that playing it out will bring it to an end, everyone has to think that, but it’ll only be ‘finn… again’ , as joyce says.

    but ya know, fuck that. fuck anyone who’s too lazy and beaten to face up to the possiblity that there might actually be a future. and it might actually be your problem. everyone wants a holocaust of freedom just so they can expereince freedom. just spend a day imagining you’re about to die. it’s easier. everyone seems to want to kill the world so they can live, but you really need to kill yourself, and then get on with YOUR life.

    hows that for incoherency? and I’m straightedge as can be.

  8. “It’s pretty amazing how much I needed this article right now, almost coincidental based on the recent events of my life. I’m currently stuck in option one of doing nothing. It’s time to move on.”

    seconded.

  9. next excercise: recognize we are one heartbeat away from eternity. What wow is now. What bullshit is anything beyond that 1/100th of a second when your life literally flashes before your eyes. It really fits into that fraction … for some, maybe less.

    *ah* but still i relate to SAAKet completely. Likely that last heartbeat will beat many new dawns from now. The rest I gotta deal, keeping that stone arollin’! Plan for the worst, hope for the best. There’s always hope!

  10. OK. Probably no one cares (after all, you are coming here to read zac…not me), but i think i’ve got a strategy worked out that’ll help me in putting a stop to those burnouts. I need to write it out so that I can see it one more time, and since I don’t have a blog myself, I’ll hijack this comment section. You’re welcome.

    The drives/fears/beliefs that cause these burnouts don’t just pop up AFTER a given period of training…these drives are operating the entire time and slowly increase in power/gain dominance until they are able to manifest into the feelings of fear/despair which characterize these burnouts. Therefore, if i wait and try to deal with the burnout after it has begun, then it is by definition too strong and probably too late to do anything about it. I need to specifically deal with these issues as I’m training so that they are not able to become a full-blown burnout.

    So (to kinda tie it back to Braindamaged), those issues which I mentioned in my post above seem to be the direct result of (A) identifying myself with the achievement of a goal rather than the process of achieving the goal and (B) not adequately redrawing the boundries of my self/identity as I train, ie thinking that I can become my new self without actually having to change my old self (thanks zac).

    As for my strategy in dealing with (A), the only thing I can really think of is to just be aware of where I am getting my sense of accomplishment and gradaully shifting it towards process rather than completion.

    Here’s my strategy for dealing with (B):

    1. Radiate Ki/ metsuke (I know these are different concepts, but I’m trying to tie a couple of different Aiki strategies together into a simple, usable format for this issue) – awareness of (a) my foundation and (b) the precurser drive or (a) the boundaries of my “new self” and (b) the boundaries of my “old self”

    2. Know the Enemy’s intent – all the inhibiting thoughts and anxious emotions are simply a smokescreen for the “old identity’s” true intention…survival and keeping control of my power to be and act

    3. Maai – knowing the difference betweenthat old identity and me or knowing the difference between me and those inhibiting inclinations…feeling the distance between them

    4. Respect the Enemy’s Ki – This old identity is pushing me into acting in such a way that it doesn’t have to change or give up its hold on my life. While remaining in my foundation, feel its flow of Ki (where it wants me to go/ what it wants me to do)

    5. Become the Enemy’s Will/ kuzushi – This is the action. The previous steps were seperating myself from the cumpulsions of the old self. This is where I rejoin with the Ki (energy) of the old identiy…only on my terms. Having felt where the old identity is pushing me to go (its Ki) and creating a difference between that identity/energy and myself, I should rechannel the Ki into something physical and immediate (head banging for ten minutes, 100 pushups, running all out around the block, etc.) This is the kuzushi (unbalancing) of the Enemy. Don’t give him time to reassert itself, take his energy and drain it by physically doing something with it.

    6. Zanshin

    This may seem complicated, but only on paper, er…screen. Once i run through it a couple of (hundred) times it should be second nature (and, hopefully, no more burnouts!)

    Tactically, I should sit down for a ten or fifteen minutes every day, invoke (not necessarily in the formal sense of the word) these feelings of the old self or the feelings of burnout and run through this strategy. That way, when they assert themselves of their own accord I can be ready to deal with them.

    Sorry to take up so much of your space, but hell, just in process of writing this down here I spotted a problem and reworked the strategy so it was worth it for me (was it good for you?). Oh, and if you (or anyone) can make sense out of any of this nonsense and spot a glaring issue it would be great it you would let me know. Thanks.

    Be good, and wish me luck…

  11. That’s weird…number 6 should read:

    6. Zanshin – follow through. Immediately after kuzushi set a small target based on the goals of my new identity and achieve it. Feel the Ki of the “new identity” supercede the Ki of the “old identity”.

  12. all i would say is perhaps you’re still spending too much time affiming the existance of a dysfunction set of behaviors. if you come up with elabourate strategies to combat your old self, you’re confirming to yourself that that this old persona has some kind of existential validity.

    it’s by far more usefull to rehearse a proactive set of behaviors. and you may well. but if you disable an old self and don’t put more energy into what’s going to fill that void, the mind simply gravitates back towards what it knows.

    the paramount rule is: the mind gives you what you rehearse. recognise the signs of the old behavior and use them as signals to swtich to the new behaviors which is what you should spend most of your time practicing. know when you’re going to do the new thing. in exactly what context and exactly what sequence. know exactly when it should fit into the existing patterns that you don’t want to change.

  13. I want to expand on zac’s comments to you, SAAket. You do seem to be doing a hefty amount of rehearsel of the negative. That’s not to say there’s no place for it or we shouldn’t face it–as a matter of fact, we must, but let me give you my method.

    First, I want to point you to to Sam23’s Manufacturing Memories, and some of hihttp://www.key23.net/occulture/author/16s other pieces. Now, I’m not so much outright advocating “Manufacturing” memories, although if you pay attention, you’ll notice all those nostalgia sessions between friends and during brunch after long nights, etc., revolve around invoking memories and re-tooling them, changing modalities, even outright accepting fabrications as truth. Do with that what you will. Regardless, Sam’s suggestion to go back into memory holds the key here.

    You’ll find that your “old self” is a complex of old actions, feelings, and cognitive-sensory-emotive behaviors, often tied to memory. So what you need to do is have a solid feeling of joy, power, confidence, etc., in some readily invokable form. You can practice bringing this feeling about through will, gestures, HAMR, NLP, ki gung, whatever, just have it ready. Now, go back into the old self and its unpleasent memory. You can do it in a trance, or with your eyes closed on the subway, or on 100mg of ecstacy, just do it. So the bad shit comes up. In my experience, I’ve found that if I’m in the dark or with my eyes closed, and although my primary modality is usually feeling-tactile, I’ll sometimes encounter a visually a thing that resembles what in Enochian we’d call a “guardian.” Ignore it, bargain with it, whatever. (At this point, I feel the need to state that this type of thing happened to me well before I’d used psychedelic drugs or even had been drunk. I’m probably schizophrenic. Whatever. I suspect it happens to damn near everyone, most people just screen the recall out) When you’ve actually reached recall, have the memory “on a TV screen”, in third person, and bring about and upsurge of that positive feeling as much as possible. Repeat this some, then actually step inside the memory as “virtual reality” and bring up the feeling again and again. Feel free to tool around with alternatives like a different action, etc.

    Second, zac has posted about this earlier at least twice, take a cue from NLP and start treating certain aspects of self as entities that you can, in your own way, evoke and deal with. If you’re too lazy–and you don’t seem like it, mind you–Phil Faber offers an .mp3 that guides a NLP evocation. You can then deal with the “feeling” as a you might a demon, threatening & punishing it, or rehabilitiating, whatever, it’s your trip.

    Third, I’d add that if you have time to perform an extended banishing, before the “meat” of the banishing, just take all that qlippothic and choronzonic bullshit and push it out of your circle, far, far, far away. As I use a modified Star Ruby/LBRP, (often performed behind sunglasses on the tenuous safety of the subway), I perform the cross, then take those bad things one by one and send them far away, or maybe I go away from them; once I invoke the watchtower forces I use the elements to destroy everything outside my circle. That’s all psychodramatic metaphor, and you may prefer something else.

    Anyway, good night all.

  14. Hey folksies – allow me to briefly state how helpful this has been. SAAKet, I actually printed out your earlier post, since you succinctly descibed the same difficulties I face as an artist. I’ll get into your recent one when I get time … as you’re into Aikido, and I’m into Taiji I’ll bet there’s some good parallels.

    I notice zacs response is key – focus on the positives – not the negatives. I’ve kept pretty busy lately doing the work I’m supposed to be doing, and really sense that once on the correct trail, it allows you to toss all the heavy camping gear you’ll never need, with ease! Hang in there! Practice makes … um … hopefully “perfection!”

  15. Wow, thanks for the response guys. Maybe this internets thingy is actually kinda worthwhile after all.

    Its gonna take a little time to go through all this info, but let me try to clear up a small miscommunication due to my shitty writing…the strategy I have above is not the end-all of my self-change (NOT self-improvement!). I actually do spend most of my day focused on manifesting my “new self” as opposed to deconstructing my “old self.” Its just that I noticed that this “old self” tends to reassert itself in a very noticable cycle, so I came up with something to help me break that cycle.

    Nonetheless, out of confusion comes wisdom. I will certainly go through channel null’s linx and zac’s previous posts to see if I can find anything to simplify my process, or just gain a better understanding, so thanx.

    whatacharacter, its good to know someone else is confused in the land of slaves. Sometimes I feel like a second-string player destined for nothing more than the bench while I read coach zac’s posts. I’ve always been interested, though never studied, TaiChi so bring on any insights or comparisons…I would love to see where Aiki-jujutsu and TaiChi parallel and where they differ…

    SAAKeT

  16. channel null, I’m having trouble with some of your links…specifically the 2nd, 4th, and 5th links. When I click them I just come back to this comment page. If you could repost them I’d be much obliged.

  17. Sorry SAAK, look to zac’s two AB pieces on banishing, which are seventeen? and three or four, try a google site search here. WordPress, while great, still has a lot of kinks. Also do a site search on key23. If you’re not familiar with banishing, hermetic.com has crowley’s book 4, which lists a number of western rituals, and chaosmatrix lists some chaos-style rituals which are by-and-large less effective but will help you get under the hood, although ultimately understanding comes through practice.

  18. i felt fortunate to come onto your dialogue on line and would like to express my thanks for putting it out there. there are thousands of books out there saying this exact thing in many different ways, but there is one simple truth in all of them, it, this, just do it! nike has a point, the god, the shoe, it’s all the same. none of it “means” anything. it only means what we project on it. what you have stated is a lot like landmark forum transformation, or like you mentioned tony robbins. it’s all just stuff to get self off of duff and make self move into real time, ie. the moment by moment in which we breathe, exist, be, sublime….

    i also find the mindspeak in the comments after from other readers a great example of the ego still trying to hang on to the self in even greater and subtler manners, so as to not let go of that last thread we perceive as our lives, ourselves. whether there is truly freedom in nothingness, or simply nothingness, will determine our use of consciousness. whether we are creating or tearing down, i wonder where it ends if like some faith wielding christian we just throw it to the whim of nature, wills of others, our choices, or heaven forbid – god? who know better, because we know less than 1% of what we think we know and even that is unknown to us. it is what we say it is, and that is where we live. we are stuck with where we put ourselves, “be here now,” because “wherever you go, there you are…”

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