Humbling. I know more or less what i will be doing 20 years from now. It’s planned. The great game is all laid out before me. It’s curvature and topology are fairly clear to me.

On the other hand, I cannot say if i will be able to manage my relationships, or my emotional state, 20 minutes or 20 hours from now. I do not know if i am strong enough to not slip again and again. I cannot allow myself to think of what might be 2 days 2 months 2 years from now, because I cannot insure my consistant application of the neccisary principles. I cannot say that I will be able to do the right thing again and again for months or years. This is the powerless feeling of an addict. You cannot make plans, because you do not know if you will let yourself down, indeed, you cannot bear the thought of letting yourself down again.

buddhists would call this living the moment, not being attatched to outcomes. AA meetings would call this ‘one day at a time’

Philosphy, mathematics, memetic engineering, martial arts, written composition…all fine.

Lonliness, isolation, desperation, despair, love and longing, hope and idealism, caring for her till my soul cracks open…. not quite so fine.

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