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Humbling. I know more or less what i will be doing 20 years from now. It’s planned. The great game is all laid out before me. It’s curvature and topology are fairly clear to me.

On the other hand, I cannot say if i will be able to manage my relationships, or my emotional state, 20 minutes or 20 hours from now. I do not know if i am strong enough to not slip again and again. I cannot allow myself to think of what might be 2 days 2 months 2 years from now, because I cannot insure my consistant application of the neccisary principles. I cannot say that I will be able to do the right thing again and again for months or years. This is the powerless feeling of an addict. You cannot make plans, because you do not know if you will let yourself down, indeed, you cannot bear the thought of letting yourself down again.

buddhists would call this living the moment, not being attatched to outcomes. AA meetings would call this ‘one day at a time’

Philosphy, mathematics, memetic engineering, martial arts, written composition…all fine.

Lonliness, isolation, desperation, despair, love and longing, hope and idealism, caring for her till my soul cracks open…. not quite so fine.

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HMMM.

Happy holidays. Let us all rejoice the sun of god, victory of sol invictus over the madness of the moon.

sphere of the sun tiphareth/splendour. all is gold. a long great work. memetic programs cutting burning rapine across time and space. a cattarpillar consuming it’s leaf to fuel metamorhosis. Butterflies flap their wings and create a hurricane. standing in the centre of a storm, cold cutting winds and yawning abyssis within. stillness, balance, the point of revolution. this is the nature of tiphareth. this is where we begin to know ourselves. this is when the Art finds us for true, when angels step down from heaven and lay their hand on our shoulders to gently show us the way.

These waves of hunger and ambition and murder, or reason and progress determined to burn out the madness of birth and death and the mystery of the goddess. These waves break on the shore of slendour. the shores of the victorious one. of alchemy made flesh of syon of all grand ambitions, all weaknesses of the heart purified in the flames of splendour without diminishment. All horror and sacrifice consecrated in love and forgiveness of angels. They have always loved us and always will.

someday you will find me, caught beneath a landslide, in a champagne supernova in the sky.

surrender is victory, naked in the light of angels we find our true will, we wake from sullied dreams of ourselves and place our feet on the path to infinite beauty.

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It’s all about context. This is why the fugue takes time to get going. The beauty really comes in the reiterations and interweaving of disparate threads.

I’m looking into formulating a business plan today. My vision to establish a consultancy based business wherby i may be paid to come up with the kind of lunacy and social proselytising for the benefit of executives and free agent entreprenuers that i do for free for an audience of little.

It’s an interesting application of the magickal formula : Fake It Till You Make It. Or perhaps in the words of nazi propogandists: people believe lies provided they’re big enough.

Which is not to say I do not have the goods in the case. It is more a question of projecting a certain image of professionalism and expertise that might not be founded in past history.

This would make a satisfactory launching pad for my larger creative visions, not to mention being great fun besides. It has to beat picking up needles for minimum wage. The cognitive dissonance is getting to me. The trick is to finesse my way past certain self image deficiencies that have been holding me back. These invisible attractors of consciousness that pull me away from my full potential, symbolic shackles in the deep grammar of the mind.

As I paraphrased from gotama before: whatsoever you hold in your mind, that is what you become.

It’s only a matter of time. Nothing will stop me.

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Lets add a few more things to the pot.

I belong to a japanese organisation call the bujinkan. It is the commercial shell for 9 schools of traditional japanese budo, the oldest of which is 1100 years old. It’s sorta like belonging to a club where 90% of the people are clueless ninja wanna be geeks, 9% are quality martial artists, and 1% are mindblowing warrior shamanistic types, who are all very dangerous and slightly insane.

Obviously I love that. My difficulty is that most of the guys I train with are either too raw to understand the depths of possibility, or too crude to care about them, even if they did. The mindset of the artist manifests in all corners of life. It’s hard to be an artist in one corner, when you’re a blunt instrument in the rest.

I really get tired of people who can’t connect the dots, regardless of the time in training. This isn’t hooked on phonics, it’s the fucking school of the divine warriors ( one translation of bujin-kan ) man! Get with the program says I.

Obviously i’m venting. I’m deprived of stimulation lately. You should be gratefull I’m trying to be entertaining, despite my buddhist detachment.

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The job is bearable but boring. If it weren’t for the bludgeoning I promised myself, I might have gotten sucked back into that lifestyle agian. thank heavens I’ve got more respect for myself.

I had some thoughts about social stratification and value memes, ecological systems vis-a-vis street dealers and bikes, etc, but I wanted to talk about renaissance.

A local opinion has it that we  contain the elements neccisary for a new social renaissance. whatever the hell that means. I suppose he might be visualising a romantic return to social optimism, a resurgence of progressive liberal thinking, and application of aesthetic criteria to the substance of day to day life. maybe i’m projecting my own ideas on this guy. I suppose he might have just been looking to wear blousey pants and feathered caps, but who knows?

In any event, another opinion chimed in to the effect that he has seen movements founded on social optimism and forward thinking many times, such as the rave movement, and he has watched as the big payday and bad drugs brought it all crashing down. Greed undermines the good in men, and all that.

My answer to that is simply this: why not make affluence a part of the agenda? Why shouldn’t progressive social thinkers and buisnessmen make a buck? why should we think that poverty makes you somehow a better person? And besides, the renaissance was founded on mercantilism. After the black plague, and the church was no longer a trustworthy investment for life and answers, people were more willing to spend money on new ideas.

Lets get rich, drop ecstacy, dance till you die.

yeah I’m taking the piss. I’m tired.

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I start my new job on monday, rousting junkies out of doorways in the morning.

I saw ‘pay it forward’ last night, and despite the heavy handed execution and cheap shock tactics at the end, I admire the central premise of the film.

It can be very hard to look at things with innocent eyes. Even though there are no real concrete reasons why the world cannot be a much happier place, most of have a hard enough time with our own wounds, to care about anyone elses.

I find myself wondering what I could possibly do for one of these wounded souls. I suppose there are lots of possibilities for giving, but how do you know you’re not doing more harm than good? The psychology of addiction is complex and hard to resolve. The alienation of living on the streets is perhaps even more so. I know very well the alienated feeling of being on the margins of society, never mind in the basement of society.

The simple truth is that you cannot know what anyone else will do with your offering, or what will happen to them. The crux of the matter is not one of giving, but of belief that giving makes any difference. I submit that it doesn’t matter whether it makes any diffference to the recipient or not. That is out of your hands and always will be. The difference made comes in one’s own soul.

The human mind is not often complex enough to understand the way in which all events interconnect. To insist on a linear cause and effect to your kindness is to ignore the full depth of the possiblities of human intention.

It would be nice to motivate people towards hope, without hitting them over the head with another martyr complex. That age is gone, that god is gone.

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Once upon a time there was a man named gotama siddharta. There is a certain amount of conjecture whether he was really a ‘man’ at all, in the sense of being human, or some kind of mutation, or quasi-divine being. The words of the buddha himself seem to indicate his essential humanity, but after the fact there was a certain move to deify him, or course.

“The” buddha belongs to a group of enlightened beings which certain historico-philosophs might call the axial sages. They appeared around the world in a period of about 1500 years. That might seem like a long time to modern minds, but given the accelerating trend of history, things moved a lot slower then. Give or take 1500 years is still a pretty good marker for radical evolutionary change.

Anyway, once we account for certain changes in social teachings and regional perspectives, we might acertain that all these axial sages were talking about the same thing. siddharta, mohammed, jesus, krishna, zoroaster… They were all speaking about the evolution of consciousness. They were are describing that evolution in much the same way with varying degrees of technical sophistication. The amazing thing about this was that these sages all proposed that man might take the reigns of his own development, that he might move away from the whims of fate and genetic accident, and ascend to the realisation of the infinite.

In tribal cultures the shaman is not self-elected, he is chosen by the spirits. One might say they become that way by accident. An accidental evolution with huge social consequences. From the fertile soil of these accidental revalations and the societies they produced, sprang bold new mutations, self elected seekers of the infinite.

We are not chosen, we choose.